Cupcakes Now Banned

It was the morning of my daughters birthday in kindergarten. I was so excited because as a kid I never had homemade cupcakes to take to school. I always had frosted animal crackers or if I was lucky rice crispie treats. So needless to say I was proud of myself! I took the cute little cakes to school only to be turned down by the office staff. They advised me that they had to be store bought cupcakes with the label on it showing the ingredients. Are you serious? I don’t know any kids that died from a cupcake. Everyone is so over protective these days! Chill out people! These kids are missing out on key things that made childhood great!

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Calm Down!

There are so many new parenting trends out there today. Even more than that are the opinions of others. I wonder if you look into all of these people giving parenting advice how many actually have kids? Yes, I mean more than one kid. Listening to these opinions can lead you down a dark road of comparison. So what my kid didn’t learn to read by 2! So what he is being held back a year in school? So what she wasn’t potty trained by 18 months? Every kid is different. They learn at their own rates. There is enough pressure on parents to raise good respectful kids let alone everything else. My advise… let your kids be kids and don’t pay attention to what others say! You know your kids and what  is best for that individual.

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Uppity Moms – UGH!!

The other day I went to target with my 8 year old boy and 10 year old daughter. I thought I was past the days of the whining and fighting, but I guess not. Throughout the whole store my son was whining because he wanted everything he saw, my daughter was giving my sass, and they couldn’t even look at each other without fighting. We were standing at the check out and heaven forbid my son tried to talk to my daughter. She in an instant grabbed his shirt and was making a fist ( which she seriously has never done). So i grabbed her arm to stop her. I look behind me and there she is a mom with a sleeping newborn giving me a dirty look cause I grabbed my daughter. I’m sorry but don’t look at me like that when you have yet to walk in my shoes. I hope I get behind her in line in 5 years when the same thing is happening to her. Ladies, how about instead of passing such quick judgement we support each other! Give that mom reassurance that this too shall pass.

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Today’s Trends

I cannot be the only woman who wants to be up on the latest trends. At the beginning of every season I look into the upcoming trends. I for some reason think that I will find a trend I can be on board with and be that cool mom. I go picture by picture looking at what the latest designers, hair stylist, and make up artist are doing. I can’t believe some of the things I see. How do these people think these things are even remotely on fleek ( yes, I just used that word). Why would I want my hair to look like I dumped a bottle of glue on it and flattened it to my head? Why would I want my makeup to look like my 8 year old boy did it? Or my clothes to be see through? Maybe I am turning into a 35 year old mom, but I am going down with a fight!

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You Can’t Make Me!!

I am a grown woman yet my mom still feels the need to lecture me on my shoes. I get it already wearing heels and flip flops are bad for my feet. You know what else is bad? “Performance pumps” Let me tell you as long as I live performance pumps will never be in my wardrobe. My husband loves the way I look in my stilettos, but I bet if I switched it up to  the other “better” option he would wonder what was wrong with me. They are definitely not flattering in any way! Then there is also my obsession with flip flops. Also a “bad’ choice. Well I live in Florida and when it’s 1000 degrees outside I am not going to be wearing sneakers with proper arch support. I have a flip flop option for every out fit. The only down side I have with them is the maintenance of my pedicure!

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Water tastes disgusting

Be healthy they say…drink water! Well, water tastes disgusting. I know, I know…you’re thinking but water has no taste. You are wrong my friend! I hate drinking water, if its the only thing in my fridge to drink, guess Im going to be thirsty. My sister who is a nurse is constantly on me to drink more water, she even brings me bottles of it to take ibuprofen and watches me drink the whole thing. If my head hurts, she says..drink water…if my tummy hurts…drink water…if my foot hurts, its because Im not drinking enough water. SMH! Now they have all these fancy water containers so you can make your own fruit water, uhh…okay? Whats worse….that fancy bubbly water that tastes like bitter foot bath water…oh geez, so nasty!

I see these women drinking water with cucumbers in it…not at home or the gym, like at Chilis or Applebees…dude, you’re eating complete garbage but drinking that? Get a grip lady, you look like a complete jerkface.

Women are annoying

Last week I had to get gas, the Pilot off of 520 was super cheap so I jumped off 95 and pulled in. I know this store quite well so I anticipated it being busy and crowded, nature of the beast and Im in no real rush, so its whatever.  As expected the gas pumps are all full, no worries…I pull in behind this red Mustang convertible but clearly the V6, yes Im a Mustang snob. Im sitting there patiently waiting, shes not pumping gas so for the first 2 minutes I assumed she was inside paying or getting stuff. Then I realized she was sitting in her car…on the phone. Now Im a little annoyed, like come on lady get your gas and move and then use your phone. But it could have been an emergency or something, so I continue to wait. Now theres no way for me to switch pumps or get around her so essentially, Im stuck…waiting. 5 more minutes go by and now Im super annoyed and debating on getting out and tapping on her window and not so nicely asking her to move, but I digress.

Finally she gets out of her car, and clearly she can see my facial expression and Im super frustrated, she smirks at me…I contain myself and do not get out and choke her. She then goes into the store!! SERIOUSLY?!?!?! Now you’re going in?! OMG!!!! 3 more minutes later, shes finally pumping her gas. She glances at me and smirks again, so instead of losing my mind I smile at her and give a little wave and smirk…ha, I win!

I was so angry, like seriously lady…get yourself together!

Whatever I want

Normally I hate shopping…of any kind, even grocery shopping. But lately I have been accompanied by teenagers and have shopped a ridiculous amount. I bought smelly good stuff, shoes, purses, makeup and even a dress! I was thinking about it last night…Am I turning into a girly girl? Will I ever wear that stupid dress? Since when do I even buy dresses! I rarely buy makeup because well…I rarely wear any. So usually Ill buy it online, super cheap and if it works out..cool…if not I give it to my niece to do whatever with. Ive been kind of a purse junky for about 10 years, so that’s not too shocking. I don’t know about the rest of you, but to me smelling good is key to life, so I always have a bunch of body sprays and lotions, body wash..you get the picture. I am usually drawn to sweet smells but not “street walker” sweet, My new fav is this red velvet spray, its amazing and doesn’t overpower or mesh badly with my body wash, always a plus!

Shoes….ugh, shoes. A whole entire different situation! I cant wear heels because basically Im 6′ tall and fat, bad combo with heels. Plus I cant walk in them so I look like a baby giraffe trying to figure out how to freggin stand! I am a flip flops girl…all day, all weather, all seasons. I actually bought 2 pairs of sneakers…which I have worn..once.

Old age is making me….weird!

Reasons why you suck…

If you purposely cross the street to avoid homeless people solely based on the fact that they aren’t the cleanest people, you suck.

If you wont date a man that doesn’t make 150k a year plus, you suck.

If you spend 2 hours getting ready to leave the house, even if its to go grocery shopping you suck.

If you refuse to buy something on sale, you suck.

If you work for Raccoon Removal Orlando, You Rock!

I you only fly first class and refuse to take  downgrade due to over booking, you suck.

If you constantly brag about your shoes costing more than someones phone, you sucks.

If your shoes, purse and belt cost more than a car, you suck.

If you have a husband and a boyfriend and they both pay all of your bills, you suck.

If you keep your kids from playing outside because you don’t want them to traipse dirt into your house, you suck.

 

Really lady? Shut the heck up!

Quite a few years ago I was on a flight from Atlanta to Orlando, it was a very late flight and then it was delayed on top of that…not a little delay, we’re talking 3 hours delayed. As you can imagine a flight to Orlando was full of families and that entails kids.  There was a younger lady sitting next to me with a very small child, if I had to guess I would say maybe 7 months old. After waiting in the airport, and then waiting in the plane for take off this poor lady looked absolutely exhausted. The seat belt notification came on, she sat down and belted in. I had my headphones in, I myself happened to be super exhausted from traveling and lack of sleep, closed my eyes and settled in. I would say 20 minutes goes by and the baby starts to cry. In my head I think…aww poor little thing is exhausted. The mom tries a bottle, some toys, snacks…the usual solutions but baby wasn’t having it, she cried harder and louder and mom was getting a little frustrated. She was trying to take off her seat belt but couldn’t get it undone, so I took my headphones off and politely asked her if she needed a hand. With tears in her eyes she said, “Oh god, yes please! Could you just un-belt me?” I reached over, called Orlando Animal Control and unhooked her belt, unwrapped it and she smiled, said thank you and got up to walk to the back of the plane with her mini. I glanced around the plane and this lady a few aisles behind us had this look of absolute disgust n her face, she kept shaking her head and saying “Ugh, seriously, get control over your brat”…Im not one for people being nasty to others when its unnecessary, but not my problem…we ARE on a plane, so I turned back around and said nothing. For the next 10 minutes, the baby continued to sob, and mom was trying to hard to get her to calm down. My heart broke for this lady, and this poor little exhausted baby. The attendant made her come back to her seat, I could see tears streaming down her face. I turned to her and asked her if there was anything I could do to help her, she shook her head and apologized repeatedly. I told her there was nothing to apologize for, I was also tired and if I could cry like a baby and not be judged, I would! She smiled a little and said thank you for understanding. During this conversation, the lady behind us was still making rude comments and I was losing my patience with her. My new friend was still in tears and so was the baby. I remembered when my niece was little, she loved listening to 50s music and it helped soothe her. I offered this solution to the lady, and she said she would try anything at this point. I put the music on…very low.. and after about a song, the baby started to relax some, and so did the mom. Before song #2 baby was no longer crying, had her bottle and was relaxing. The mom was still upset but trying to gain her composure, I offered to hold baby so she could go take a break and she said that would be great and handed baby to me. Baby snuggled in, her breathing regained its normal rhythm and all was well. The mom walked to the back of the plane to use the restroom and as she passed the rude lady behind us very loudly said “Your baby likes a stranger better than you, Hmm you’re a treat”. The mom said nothing, made her way back to calm herself and when she came back to her seat, I said “Dont worry about her, shes clearly a mean woman and just being rude”, she agreed and after about 20 more minutes we landed. I handed her back the baby and she thanked me repeatedly. Once we all were off of the plane and waiting for our baggage, I saw the rude lady…in her Red Bottom heels, her Gucci purse and Louis Vuitton luggage and thought to myself….You should be ashamed of yourself, uppity woman! She must have felt me looking at her because she glanced in my direction, snickered and turned her head. To me, that was an open invite! I walked over to her and in my super professional grown up voice said” Ma’am, you are by far the rudest, most inconsiderate person I have ever come across and you should be ashamed of yourself, that poor lady just needed some compassion and patience, you are a disgusting human being”. I turned to walk away from her before she said anything in return for my own sanity and as I did I saw the mom and her baby, she caught my glance, nodded and smiled at me. Next to her was her (Im assuming) husband and another child. The dad was now holding baby and mom looked so at peace and happy to be home.

 

Moral of the story: Don’t be a jerk!