The importance of forgiveness

I Beg Your Pardon, Marriage Proposal

The other day I was speaking to someone who talked about what a friend of theirs had done in the past and it was clear that they hadn’t been able to move on from what had occurred. Quite a few years had passed since that moment, but it was as if it had happened the day before.
Hearing about this reminded me of the challenges I’ve had with my mother, and how hard it has been for me to slowly proceed from what took place during my early years. It was immaterial as to how many years had passed since that time, as I was not able to easy let go and to live in the present moment.
Trapped
During the start of my recovery journey, my mind was often consumed by what my mom had or had not done. This then stopped me from having the ability to detach from what was taking place within me.
I was frequently filled with anger, rage, and even despise; part of me wanted revenge. And, due to how strong this part of me was, it would take over my entire being and prevent me from having the ability to be a conscious human being.
Conflict
However, though I had all this going on within me, I seldom voiced what was taking place. I was carrying plenty of injury, which meant that I rarely felt safe enough to express my feelings.
Along with this, I was often told as a child not to get mad and that it was incorrect. If I did express my rage, I might have been told off or hit, and this was the last thing that I desired to encounter.
Hooked But when I did get in touch with how I felt, I would feel strong and alive, which makes it hard for me to see how destructive this was.
It gradually became evident that this was doing me more harm than good, and this was primarily because it had been perpetuating what I had been through as a kid. The only way that I would have the ability to grow and to reside at the moment was to let go.
A Tough Process
I would often be told that I”just needed to let go” and that writing a letter and then burning it might help, amongst other things. It was then as though this was a very simple process, if I had been willing to go through with it.
As time passed it became increasingly obvious that this wasn’t a mental process or something that would only happen; it was something which would taken place through facing how I felt and processing my pain.
In The Core
I came to see that the pain in my body was keeping the past alive and preventing me from having the ability to live at the moment. This pain had also caused me to close my heart and this made it difficult for me to experience compassion.
I ended up using a number of different therapists and healers, and that I had a good deal of yelling to do. The crying allowed me to let go of a lot of the pain that I experienced as a kid.
It can be easy to get caught up in what happened in the past and for our mind to hold on no matter how destructive it is. Yet, through being aware of the damage that’s being done, it is going to be clear how important it is to let go.
Ultimately, holding on only prolongs our own distress; it does not affect the person who was involved. So, if you’re holding onto what happened in the past and you wish to move on, reach out for the right support.

Split the chores

Garbage, Guy, Idea, Throwing, Man, Bin

One of the big complaints I hear from my customers that are married is about the issue of chores. I can tell you from my own 30-year marriage the issue of chores was a big deal in contributing to the conclusion of the marriage.

I clearly remember the issue that’broke the camel’s back.’ My ex-husband wanted to have our big Thanksgiving dinner at our home instead of at my parents’ home, and I was all for it – IF he promised to help. My experience in the past was that I ended up doing all of the work and was too tired to actually enjoy the dinner, whereas if it was at my parents’ house, I knew that my father was an equal contributor regarding household events. My ex readily promised to help, but on the day of the dinner, he did nothing. “You promised to help if we had the dinner,” I said. “I want your help.” He smirked at me, going into his usual resistance, and walked away. I felt crushed, and my inner child was upset with me that I had believed him when he so often either forgot what he had said or went into resistance.

“I’m not going to spend any more time with you until you can be loving and caring for three months,” I told him. In the past he could do it for a week or so and then would return to being angry and resistant. I gave him two years to learn to be loving, caring and respectful toward me and he never did, so our marriage ended.

Needless to say, the issue around chores wasn’t our only problem, but it was indicative of the underlying issues, which were a lack of caring and respect toward me, and frequently treating me with anger, withdrawal, sarcasm, and projection – followed by the crazy-making of denying that he was doing these things, and blaming me rather.

Doing Chores Together Can Produce Intimacy

Recent research suggests that couples who do chores together, rather than one individual doing more actions, or dividing the chores, have more emotional and physical intimacy. Doing chores alone can be lonely, while doing them together can be a time of fun, sharing and Pest Control, and it certainly makes the time go by faster when you are doing the dishes together rather than doing them alone. Sharing chores might be especially important when you have children, because it’s often hard to find time to get together to discuss your day or discuss your feelings with each other.

While the study shows that couples who do chores together have better marriages, I wonder if the underlying truth is that couples who enjoy being together and have great marriages realize that they enjoy doing errands together. Is the doing of chores together the cause of the their intimacy or the result of it? More research would need to be done to ascertain this.

Regardless of which comes first, I would think that couples who do chores together have a much better chance of feeling connected with each other than those who don’t. Not only does it give you a bit of time together, but it also prevents both the bitterness of one person doing too many of the chores, as well as the loneliness of doing chores independently.